Is the Affair Really Over?

Your significant-other swears the affair is over, but how do you know if they’ll cheat on you again? Here’s how to see beyond what they’re really saying — and how to trust that still small voice inside of you.

Do you really want to know the truth? It’s possible — if you have the courage and strength it takes to see beneath their words. Listen, for the truth wants to come out. And it will set you free… But it’s going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch first though.

These tips are just a glimpse of the iceberg that is your relationship. You’ll need to figure out for yourself, if you can save your relationship and move forward in healthy ways or if you should say goodbye and let go of the one you love.

Their Inability To Hear You and To Empathize With Your Pain

People who can’t get beyond their own needs and appreciate yours are more likely to cheat again. If your significant-other is dismissive or cavalier about how hurt and betrayed you feel — and, if they don’t care how sad it makes you feel to be wondering how to know if they’ll cheat on you again — then they may not care enough to stop themselves from a future affair.

Can your significant-other:

  • Appreciate what you’ve been through and understand the emotional damage their cheating caused?
  • Feel compassion and remorse for your pain?
  • Listen to your point of view, even if it differs from their own?
  • See you as a separate person, with thoughts and feelings, someone other than just an extension of themselves?

If your answer to most of these questions is no, then you need to ask yourself not, “Would my significant-other stray again?”, but rather, “Why wouldn’t my significant-other cheat on me again?” If they don’t see you as a person with feelings and their own identity, then they don’t respect you. And, if they don’t respect you, then they’re more likely to cheat again.

Their Inability To Openly Communicate

Partners who are aware of their needs and can negotiate them in a spirit of reciprocity and compromise are more likely to stay at home and work through their relationship issues.

Partners who are unaware of their need but expect you to intuit them, or who keep them bottled up inside for fear of creating conflicts, are likely to let their unhappiness fester and grow. Holding you responsible for their own feelings of alienation, they go and search satisfaction in another person’s bed.

After the Affair Updated Second Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

If your significant-other never talks about how they feel or what they need from you and your relationship — and they’ve cheated on you — then it’s possible that they’ll be unable to talk about what led them to cheating in the past. This lack of communication and insight doesn’t guarantee that they’ll cheat on you again, but it does make it more difficult to have a close, trusting relationship with them.

Their Past History — Deception? Lies? Red Flags?

You’ve heard it before: if a person cheats on their significant-other to be with you, then they’ll cheat on you with another person too. In other words, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. If they found you sexy and attractive enough to cheat on their significant-other with you, then they will find another person sexy and attractive again.

And the beat goes on.

With that said, being attracted to a person isn’t the number one reason people cheat.

A person with a history of duplicity is more likely to lie and deceive again then someone who has strayed only once.

After the Affair Updated Second Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

Their Underlying Attitude About Cheating in Relationships

Just because your significant-other says they believe in a monogamous relationship that doesn’t involve them cheating on you, it doesn’t mean you can trust them. Most people say they wouldn’t have an affair. Every person would agree that cheating is wrong. Even if they swear, they wouldn’t cheat — or, cheat on you again — it doesn’t mean they really won’t have an affair.

If your significant-other can’t give you the verbal reassurance you need, then you might want to be wary of trusting them again. What are their underlying attitudes about cheating? If they don’t think cheating is wrong, immoral, or unethical, then they’re likely to cheat on you again. If they have a casual, dismissive underlying attitude about cheating, then they may not be trustworthy.

Here’s a list of statements that reveal a person’s attitude on cheating:

  • Cheating is okay if my significant-other doesn’t find out.
  • I have no impulse control.
  • I never promised my significant-other that I’d be the perfect partner. They knew I was a cheater when we partnered-up together.
  • I only have one life to lead, and I deserve to be as happy as possible.
  • People aren’t biologically programmed to be in monogamous relationships.
  • People aren’t meant to be monogamous.
  • Since my significant-other knows I’m cheating on them, but isn’t confronting me, it must be okay if I don’t rub it in their face.
  • The affair lets me satisfy my needs without breaking up the family. I’m doing it for the kids.
  • What my significant-other doesn’t know won’t hurt them.

If your significant-other says or even jokes about any of the above statements, their underlying attitude on cheating is casual and dismissive. This means they don’t think cheating is important in a relationship. And, therefore, they may be more likely to cheat on you again.

Their Unwillingness To Take Responsibility for Cheating on You

Unless your partner is willing to explore why the affair happened, and accepted fair share of responsibility for it, your hopes for a committed relationship are likely to be built on sand.

After the Affair Updated Second Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

She shares this story:

“Kevin had an affair six years ago, but to this day he refuses to talk about it with me”, a 47-year-old decorator complained to me. “I knew almost none of the details, but it sits between us. I feel its presence. I don’t believe he’s cheating on me anymore, but I have no security about tomorrow because I have no understanding of where I went wrong, or how, or whether, he’s changed. And I doubt he does, either.”

After the Affair Updated Second Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

When nothing is learned from the affair, and nothing changes in your relationship, the problem remains. And so does the temptation to cheat again. Here’s how to know if they’ll cheat on you again: you and they don’t talk about the affair, or your relationship, and you pretend it never happened. Or, they refuse to say anything more about it.

I can’t give relationship advice and I don’t know if you can trust your significant-other not to have another affair. But you may find that writing about your experience will help you listen to the best possible source of wisdom: that still small voice inside of you.

May you find guidance and wisdom, hope and healing. May your relationship be covered with forgiveness and love — whether you decide to stay with this person or not. May you move forward into a new season of your life with courage, confidence, and strength. And may the peace that surpasses all understanding fill your hearts, minds, and soul.

To the cheaters, I say this…

Face the ways you’ve hurt your significant-other and family members. Accept responsibility for inviting negative or angry responses from your significant-other. Retrace your steps to better understand your choices. Recognize the selfishness of your thinking and actions. Know you broke your commitment to a monogamous relationship and freely admit this to your significant-other.

Author

  • I tried to fix the world, but God wouldn't give me his source code.

    Formerly, CEO and lead developer of a technology company, focusing on the merchant services space. Formerly, of WHMCompleteSolution (WHMCS).

    An avid gamer.

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