Letter to My Abusive and Cheating ‘Fiancée’

I Don't Deserve to be Treated this Way

Dear Melisa,

I’m not sure I’m ready to put this into words, but I know if I don’t try, I’ll continue regretting not putting into words what needs to be said. So, at least at the end of this, no matter how it ends, I can at least say I tried… Not that I haven’t tried everything with you as it is.

In these past years with you, I’ve learned a lot. About myself, about relationships, and about love. I’ve learned that I’m the type of person who loves with their entire being. When I love or care about someone, I let my entire world revolve around them. That’s what I did with you… It was all Mel, all the time, 24/7/365. You came into my life at a time when I wasn’t ready for anyone, let alone you. You came into my life and you weren’t a person. I think what it comes down to is, I became involved with you before I was ever ready. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I wanted and what I needed from someone — from you, from our relationship. When we started all of this, initially, you made it very clear you didn’t want a relationship. I thought it was because you were scared or you’d been hurt. I know now, it’s because you’re incapable of having a relationship — at least, not the kind I want.

I’m going to be honest with you, because that’s what people who care about each other do. This is something I’ve been dealing with, for a long time now, and it’s gone on long enough — because, honestly, it hurts too much. It’s not fair. I’ve been holding-on because I hoped things would change, which is perfectly reasonable, but I can’t change a person. I can’t change you and I can’t change your situation. I can only change myself and the situations I choose to be a part of. You choose to let this nonsense continue, and I’ve tried to understand and ignore it, but I can’t anymore. If you wanted to move-on, you could. If you wanted to change the dynamics of your relationships with all those other men, you could. I know you well enough by now, to know that when you want someone out of your life, that’s it — they’re out. You’ve had plenty of time to reevaluate your situation and the damage it does to yourself and other people — specifically, to us, your family. Why have you done nothing about it? And, I don’t mean making profiles private or pursuing secret relationships, because that’s childish. I mean taking action and making adult decisions.

I’d chose to stay in this relationship and endure all of the lies, pain, and absurdity. I want nothing more than to believe every single word you say about it being crazy and all of that. I want nothing more than to continue telling everyone to fuck-off — that they don’t understand our relationship. You know why I stay, but I deserve to treat myself better. At the, VERY LEAST, I deserve honesty from you. You’ve made it clear I’m not to sleep with anyone else or go on dates — I know you do it in jest, but we both know, some part of you would feel hurt if YOU found out I was sneaking around behind your back. So, why do it to me?

How many times has something like this happened before? Because you know that although I may speak-up, I still won’t do anything about it. Maybe, I’m just stupid. I know you have feelings for me, otherwise you wouldn’t even bother with our relationship, but it worries me that this is the way you treat people you care about. Hell, you’re the one who had proposed to me… You’re the one who had asked me to marry you.

What’s sicker, is there are times when we’re together, and I think nothing and no one else matters — you have this way, when it happens to serve your needs at the time, of making me feel like I’m yours and you’re mine. In the end though, none of that compares to the bigger issue here, which is absolutely unacceptable. The issue being I may have those thoughts, but in the end, it’s not true. You and your heart, whether you see it or not, don’t really belong to me as you say they do. If it did, you would’ve done something about this long ago… You’d be home with me now… These issues would be non-existent.

I just want you to realize what I’m worth. I’d invited you into my life, my head, my heart, and my bed. That’s all, very special, and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I’ve given you everything, and in-return, you’re not even really mine. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because you know I care a lot about you. I just don’t think you can ever give me what I want and need. A relationship — no matter what kind — falls apart the minute dishonesty comes into play. It’s no longer fair to me, to allow dishonesty from you, when honesty is expected from me. And, I know you’ll read this and not realize where I’m coming from, but I do hope you try. You’re the most important person in my life. But, I only have one life, and why spend it with someone who doesn’t make me feel like the most important person in their world?

Whether you leave me or I leave you, I’m going to miss you — this will be something I never quite get over. I’m going to feel heartbroken — like a failure, someone who just couldn’t make it work, despite their best efforts. But, if it doesn’t end, I continue looking stupid and foolish because I let this happen. But, life sucks, sometimes. The most I can do, is embrace the heartache and hold onto my pride, which I’ve slowly been losing with each passing day as I ignore the other major relationships (i.e. drugs and other men alike) in your life. I hate being alone, but I’m 100% content knowing that I’ll not give myself to anyone undeserving. This, is my life, and I’m the most important person in it. During these past years with you, I’d forgotten that.

I love you, Mel! I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I do for you. I’d do almost anything for you — anything you ask of me. The memories I get to keep as a result of being with you are some of the best, and most definitely some of the worst, I have. I can’t continue letting you lead me down a path of dishonesty. You don’t see it as dishonesty, I get that, but unfortunately that’s what has happened. Whether it’s lying about spending time with other guys while you’re gone, or lying about the ‘complicated situation’, or whatever else, lying is lying and it still hurts the people who care about you.

I’ve fought for you in the only possible way I know how — by being there for you and loving you. But, I realize I’m fighting a losing battle. You’re everything to me — and, I’m not much of anything to you. I do truly hope you read this and try to see it through my point of view — I don’t understand this situation. How many times have you called me from another guy’s bed, to proclaim your love for me and tell me how much you miss me. Like, seriously, WTF? And, if I get nothing from you now, I never will. I want to — I want to know the part they play in your life, why you’re still sleeping with them, etc. — so many questions that, until answered, make me question our involvement with each other.

And the sickest thing, and even I have to admit this, is that at the end of the day, I’ll let this happen. I’ll turn the other way. I’ll let you continue having other relationships and I’ll continue believing your lies. I can act angry and upset and yell and kick and scream, but never will I let you go. I can’t. And that, above all else, makes me the most pathetic person I’ve ever known.

I don’t know if you meant to ever hurt me — but, you have though, more than anybody ever has before. When someone you care about is dishonest, it hurts more than anything. I want to believe you — I want you to let me in. I want you to trust me and I want you to recognize that I’m here and willing to listen and understand.

But, most of all, I just want you. All of you. And in the end, I can only hope you want me, and only me, too. But, sadly enough, we both know that’s not the case. Otherwise, we’d not be where we are now…

Cheating has been reclassified, and it includes not only a physical affair, but an emotional affair as well. It may start out as a platonic friendly feeling towards another person and veer off onto an inappropriate path. These types of affairs are increasingly common.

While, not only have I caught you engaging in full-on sex with other men, you’re also guilty of emotional infidelity. As this is, seemingly, difficult for you to understand, I’ll go over some the ways in which you cheat on me in addition to the actual fucking-around that you do too.

You Cross the Line with Strangers

Emotional infidelity is as dangerous as adultery because it’s intense, but somewhat invisible. Of course, you may love your partner, but when some of your small actions cross the line of infidelity, you’re at-risk of losing someone important in your life.

Taking a solo trip on the very messy territory can cause you to do things you wouldn’t normally do — like cheat. For example, you meet a guy and he flirts with you and flatters you.

If you need someone, especially a stranger, you’re entering the territory of emotional infidelity. And, that can be the most painful form of cheating for your partner.

You Don’t Stand-up for Your Partner

You and your partner should always be a team. So, when the going gets tough, you should feel safe in knowing that you have someone to rely on.

But, if you won’t stand up for your significant-other, it’s possible that you’re not really interested in taking things further.

To give your relationship another chance, means that you should realize that from the day you understood that “That’s it! I love her/him!”, you made a choice. It means that your significant-other occupied and assumed the privileged first-place of honour in your life. So, let your family and friends know, that when it comes to your significant-other and your relationship, there’s a line they can’t cross.

You Dream of Other Lovers

One of the fatal flaws of our culture is that we take everything at face-value. We want to believe that every night-time dream is a direct-reflection of reality. So, when you have a dream where you’re having sex with someone other than your partner, your first response is to panic and think, “Oh, no! This must mean I don’t really love my partner!”

Keep calm and relax. It’s completely OK to, occasionally, have some little fantasies about Jason Momoa’s 6-pack abs or Irina Shayk’s body. But, if you’re consistently dreaming or imagining a sexual partner other than your spouse, this could be leading to an emotional (or even sexual) affair.

You Flirt Both Offline and Online

Virtual relationships with many different people at once are easier to maintain than ones in real-life. Therefore, virtual polygamy may possibly co-exist within the context of offline monogamy. It’s happening because the Internet is an easy place for emotional involvement between strangers.

In many ways, the Internet facilitates the same type of relationship-building opportunities we have in real-life. Nevertheless, online flirting, as well as offline flirting, is still an affair — and, a choice you make.

You Have Secret Friends

Regular friendships tend to be fairly open, and having your partner stumble across a text thread from your BFF, is unlikely to arouse any suspicions. It’s not fair or realistic to expect your significant-other to fill every need. With this in mind, meeting a friend to hangout for a while is totally fine!

But, there’s one little problem — if you’re going out of your way to cover-up everything you do, then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that you feel at least a little bit guilty about an impulse to hide your friendship from your partner.

Perhaps, you feel that your special “friend” may threaten your relationship and don’t want to admit this fact. If you’re so wholly relying on one person for emotional support, and that person isn’t in a loving relationship with you, you’re setting yourself up for some trouble with your partner. And, the only way out for you, is to admit it to yourself and figure out why you’re doing it in the first place.

You’re too Close to Your Opposite-Sex ‘Friends’

Loveseats at the movies, the Tesla Roadster, a king-size lobster, beds — some things, are just built for two. A relationship is one of these things. It’s like a bicycle — adding a third (and fourth, and fifth, etc.) wheel is only going to throw-off the balance. The situation may get worse when that third-wheel is a significant-other’s opposite-sex friend.

Again, everything might be fine. However, if your gut is telling you there may be an attraction between your partner and their ‘friend’, then it’s better to address the issue directly.

Remember, while attraction isn’t a choice, cheating most certainly is. An affair doesn’t just magically happen. Only you can make a choice to follow, or not to go down, this slippery slope. So, if you get trapped in the world of an emotional affair, it will be your choice.

It’s with a feeling of deep hatred that I’m starting off this part off. I hope words will manage to convey my huge disappointment. You’ve made me look like a fool, you lied to me, you betrayed me, and I didn’t even see it coming in the beginning! Everything comes out one day, you should know that. It was a shock to see you reach such a new low! The worst being that it wasn’t just a fling, a one-time one-night-stand after a booze-filled night. No, you cheated on me for months-on-end. Are you even aware of the humiliation that represents for me? How disappointed I am — overflowing, with sadness? I loved you so much, and it felt reasonable to think that you loved me too. You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me, only to sleep with another a few hours later! Not to mention, unprotected! Nothing, at this point, would surprise me…

I don’t even blame the other men, for as much as I’d like to do some rather bad/evil things to them. They’re not, particularly, guilty. They’re, mostly, single. They’re allowed to have fun with whomever they want. But, it’s my fiancée who somehow just had to make a move. You say that you still love me, that you don’t want me to leave you, but I think all the signs point the same way. That’s what, deep down, you were waiting for. You’re a coward and a liar, two red flags when it comes to women. I gave you everything, I believed in us. After these years together, I assumed I was legitimately entitled to that much. You ruined everything.

Images come and go, memories pile-up, and going back to them just doesn’t make me happy anymore. They feel thin, foggy, and shredded. How can I try to rebuild an enduring love on foundations destroyed by this everlasting and unending treason? What can you do to reclaim my trust? Perhaps, nothing. How could I even think about a future with such an unfaithful woman?

Time might heal my wounds and allow me to move forward, with you at my side. Maybe, I’ll never manage to look you in the eye again. I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore, and I’m completely lost. Do you realize what all those months of cheating represents? Why? Why did you do this to us? I’m so angry at you, that no words could convey my feelings regarding your behaviour. I’m ashamed of having believed you, ashamed of having given you my trust.

Have you no guilt? Have you no regret? Have you no remorse? Have you no shame?

They say a relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it as long as you want, but it won’t go anywhere.

You ask me to move across the country, to New Brunswick, with you…

Yet you constantly come-and-go in-and-out out my life every-other-day, as you please with no regard for me, to get high and to be with the same other guys.

If you refuse to be home with me here, and to stop your adultery/infidelity here, why the Hell would I even consider entertaining such a thought? You expect for me to relocate with you, only to experience the same shit with you elsewhere?

Like, WTF, Mel? You can’t be serious… You refuse to stop the adultery, dishonesty, infidelity, etc. Until such time as you do, and you start acting and treating me like my fiancée should…

More to the point, where are you and who are you with now, eh? I’ll tell you where you’re not, and haven’t been, for some time again…

Author

  • I tried to fix the world, but God wouldn't give me his source code. For several years, I was CEO of and lead developer at a technology company, focusing on the merchant services space. I've been directly contracted by companies, including but not limited to, cPanel and WHMCompleteSolution (WHMCS). An avid gamer.